SECURITY!

In the desperation to feel attractive and validated after the disappearance of my fiancé, I ended up dating a guy who referred to himself as “Lil Chris.” In college, I had developed a no dating anyone under five six policy partially because they had Napoleonic complexes, but mainly because they couldn’t reach the top shelf in the grocery store either. But in the freefall after Eric’s departure, Chris was interested and I didn’t care about anything excepting feeling wanted. Until Chris inexplicably vanished after two months. A year and half later, at a party, I would find out that the reason why was because Chris got back together with his ex. But at the time, he was just another man in a long line of men who disappeared without even a phone call. At the time, I was still talking to one of the more colorful character characters from grad school. Well, talking isn’t exactly accurate. Blue would call me up, deliver an hour long monologue, say “let’s get together for drinks”, and then not call for two months. Luckily his monologues were so entertaining I often took notes on what he said when he called. When I told him how depressed I was over the loss of Chris, or rather depressed over the loss of attention and validation that accompanied Chris. Blue’s response was, “ You were dating a guy who called himself ‘Lil Chris’? Listen, you need to have a no tools policy and I don’t mean like ‘Hey don’t be bringin’ that chainsaw in here.’ I mean you gotta be like the Pentagon, man. You gotta have a ‘Don’t even think about bringin’ in that little screwdriver that you use to fix your glasses no tools’ kind of policy. Because, and trust me on this one, once the ass train starts moving we are all getting a piece. Don’t worry, you’ve got some comin’, but that shit is not like Christmas, you can not put it on the calendar. And when it gets to be your stop, you don’t want to be wasting your energy on some cat called ‘Lil Chris’. You want to have all your energy conserved so you’ll be like Super Pussy. Have some red cape comin’ out of it and totally blow the dude away. Fuck, I gotta go, I’ve got to cover this art opening. Some guy has pissed in jars and set them around a studio and I have to go interview people about it. But let’s get together for drinks. You know, maybe in two weeks or something.”